July 23, 2008

(Greenville, SC) - It has been almost three years since I visited my local Burger King^®. The last time I was there, I got a Whopper^TM with cheese, all-the-way, add mustard, extra pickle. In Burgerkingese, that meant, a ¼lb burger (cooked weight), american cheese, tomato, onion, lettuce, twice the amount of pickles, mayonaise, ketchup, and some mustard slapped in between a decent sized sesame seeded bun.

Now, the meat has never been fine quality, but it had a certain substantiality about it and a nice, smokey flavor which gave the sandwich a truly distinctive and pleasurable taste. With McDonald's^® fries and a Diet Coke^®, it was a real treat. (McDonald's^® has never had an edible burger, but they never claimed to, either - they even brag about the "grain - fed" beef they serve - but their fries are absolutely fabulous, Actually their burgers are a lot like eating paper - every once in a while, you just gotta do it.)

Well, you can forget BK^®.

After having visited every single Burger King^® Franchisee in Columbia, Charleston, and Greenville, I can absolutely guarantee you that the once king of the burger world is no longer even a guilty pleasure.

The service varied from fast and clean to slow and.. well.. you know. But the burgers are now something that can only be classified as "icky." There is still a hint of that once great smokey taste, but it's only a hint. The size of the patty must be a ¼lb BEFORE cooking 'cause it surely isn't any thing bigger. You would think the pickles were made of gold, they way they sparingly place the few you get on the sandwich. And the meat.. OMG! (this is a wonderful expression I have stolen from some of my students) The meat has a feeling in your mouth like slightly hardened oatmeal. It's almost impossible to tell if the meat has lost its integrity because it was formed with water or because it's gone slightly bad. Like I said - "icky."

And you need NCIS to find the onion and tomato. Sigh..

I can attest to the fact that Daisy-the-Wonderdog still ate it, but halfway through, she did give me that wild-eyed dog look where she looks at you from the side, and you can see more of the white of her eyes than any other part of them.

Wendy's^® still has an edible burger, and Hardees^® is OK, but the fact is, I've been spoiled by living in Columbia for two years - They have something called a Zesto in West Columbia (or is it Cayce? - one never can really tell.) They and a place called the Dairy Bar, in Columbia proper, have their same grill they've had for 50 or so years, and the burgers are truly heaven. And no, those delicious things you get in restaurants are not truly burgers per se, they're chopped steak on a bun and there IS a difference.

OK, that's it. Do what you want. But I'll have to be roped and hog-tied to go back to BK^®. Bon apetit!

- Dick Anderson