(This came in over the transom. The note attached to it said it had come from an alternate universe and was signed,"A. Bell." It is purported to be the address to the nation from a President Anderson. This is, apparently, the notes for the prompter typist. It reads as follows:)

(April 2, 2009)

Pres.: My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain , Bulgaria , Australia and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary, Marion Morrison, will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. He's getting on in years, so it may take a little time, so you folks at the New York and LA Times, don't hold your breath.

For the rest of you, Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT WILL GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO THAT EVERYBODY GETS PAID BACK IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home, such as passing the "Everybody Must Own and carry a Side-arm" Act, burning of paper currency and reversion to the Precious metal standard, and the commencement of returning all funds in the Social Security system to its rightful owners, mentioned above.

On a more cheerful note, a word to terrorist organizations: Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth - with nuclear missiles. Thirsting for an easier country to terrorize? Try Germany or maybe China .

I am ordering the immediate pullout of all troops in France , Germany, South Korea, and Japan. And no more easy money deals for Russia, either. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO, as well. Bonne chance, mes amies!

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York. We will also be reclaiming the UN building, the inhabitants of which we hope will move to Zurich. If not, there are several strip malls in New Jersey that we might be able to rent them.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States will not have to abrogate the NAFTA treaty since we will be dealing strictly in precious metals, our so - called "trading partners" in Canada and Mexico don't have a pot to piss it and only paper currency with which to wipe up, so we'll just let nature and the free market take its course. We are tired of the one-way highway.

Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska, The Gulf, and ten miles off the coast of South Carolina - which will take care of this country's oil needs for 200 years. By then, we should have a workable electric car that everyone can afford and WANTS to drive. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. So you churches need to get off you fat butts and start doing charity again. It's time for the government to get out of that business altogether.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

If you can read this, in a newspaper tomorrow, thank a teacher. If you can read it in English, thank a soldier.

God bless America Thank you and good night."

(sounds like an interesting world...)

- Dick Anderson