October 28, 2006

          COLUMBIA, D.C. – Well, it's that time again. Time to separate the citizens of the state from their sanity and honesty as they pretend to know whom to vote for. Oh, it matters whom you vote for. It's just that there is so much BOVINE SCATOLOGY out there that it's hard to separate it from the truth. Never-the-less, your intrepid editor is going to attempt it, again.

          As I write this, I'm watching "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" on ABC for God's sake. ABC. Not CBS. That by itself is enough to put one's head in one's hands and cry deep, aching sobs. ABC... ABC!! Talk about loss of tradition.. and I keep thinking about Charlie and Lucy and that football, too.. at least we still have that. And, metaphorically speaking, we DO still have politics, which is the mother's milk of South Carolinians, so I guess there is some tradition left..

          Let's start with Tommy Moore and Mark Sanford for Governor. You know I've always thought Sanford was a lot like Linus waiting in the Pumpkin patch for the Great Pumpkin to arrive in the form of cooperation from the House and Senate. Of course, when Our Canadian Ambassador was still our House Speaker, David pointed out time after time that you get more cooperation when YOU cooperate, too. But no, there was Linus, out in the patch, pretending to be so righteous that people he made fun of would forgive him and pass all of his reforms. Not to give the plot away, folks, but the Great Pumpkin didn't show up. Nevertheless, in the end, Lucy takes pity on Linus and retrieves him from the ice cold patch and certain pneumonia.

People will rescue Mark because he makes some sense. And now, after the ads have run, he's noticeably more honest than Tommy Moore, who wouldn't know an un-exageration if it rolled over his foot. Mark Sanford's unpopular attempts to run the State will be far more popular than Tommy Moore who would be having to start off his stay in Columbia by lying his head off in the election. It won't wash, and Moore won't win.

          Then we come to John Spratt and Ralph Norman for Congress. I'm picking on these two because this is the only race which might actually change seats. I have never seen so much lying in my life. Of course, Spratt, whom I used to like a lot, didn't actually say all that pure bull about Norman in his spots - the announcer says them. But, you know, if Spratt were going to lie, why not REALLY lie. You know, not just illegal workers, but destroying Social Security - something like that. Wait a minute, he did say that about Norman.

But the most inexplicable thing is that Norman is fighting THAT part. He's fighting the truth that he hired illegals, just like Spratt's yard crew does every time they groom the Congressman's excessively expensive diggs. So what? The one thing that would make me want to vote for Norman - reality about Social Security (and no, you don't have to make old people homeless if you fix Social Security which Spratt WON'T DO) - he doesn't fight for. Who needs dumb or dumberer? I say vote for your spaniel. We need more smaller-government dogs in Washington, anyway.

          Jack Bauer and Red Barber .. ummm .. make that Andre and Dr. Bob: Are you really going to trust a man who has a divinity degree AND a law degree. "The Preachers is a dodger and the Friendly Lawyer is too!" as the 19th Century election song goes. Heck, this guy is both! Andre has a lead foot. But people in our gret stet have voted for people with handicaps before. My guess is they will, again. And, at least he has not tried to hide his sins, too much. The plane thing wasn't his fault.

But I must admit that watching this race has been entertaining. The commercials are a hoot: "Candidate X is your best friend, flies to rescue old women, and protects young babies, but Candidate Y eats children for breakfast and sacrifices to Satan!" Pundits are still picking Andre.

          Karen Floyd and Jim Rex for Sec of Ed: OUCH! This started out as a genuine political race with real issues. School vouchers and responsible teachers vs We need to spend much mo of yo dough. Forget THAT! When Rex realized that Floyd would have to commit suicide in order to lose, out came the negativos. Now it's become more like the Spratt-Norman race with Floyd having to disprove a negative. If she gets through without too much negativity, it will be a miracle, but in this case, she IS telling the truth, the fight was forced on her by the absolute horse farts from Rex's camp. I'm surprised he stooped this low, but he doesn't have a chance in hell of winning, so, in a month or two, whatever Jim Rex says will be forgotten like old wombat droppings.

          Thomas Ravenel and Grady Patterson Treasurer: Everybody and her grandmother told Grady not to run. They BEGGED him to retire gracefully. Even Fritz knew when he couldn't run anymore. But no, the man that everybody likes (and they really do) will find very few people putting their fingers to computer screen for him. This is not to say that Thomas Ravenel won't make a good Treasurer, he'll be great. He'll be a pain in the butt to the spendthrifts and crazies on the budget and control board. Grady simply has too many favors that can be called in, too, which will keep him from being effective. Thomas, on the other hand SHOULD HAVE BEEN GOVERNOR, but that's YOUR problem because YOU voted for MARK...!

And Dangit, I LIKE GRADY PATTERSON. Always have. He was a great friend to Dad as Dad was to him. He has served this state well in the past for which we SHOULD THANK HIM. But he's not Strom, and he's the age at which even I plan to retire! It's time for Grady to go fish. We NEED Thomas to run for Governor in '08, anyway. He'll appoint a straight shooter to take his slot at Treasurer when he wins. We'll all see to it.

          Well, those are my chestnuts. Take 'em or leave 'em. Just remember, if you don't vote, you can't complain later.

          Finally, today my son, John, celebrates his birthday. He is 21. He is strong and handsome and talented and deeply kind and smart. Sometimes, a little too smart. I am very, very proud of him.

- Dick Anderson

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