December 5, 2005
Dear Santa,
Since this is St. Nicholas Day, at least still in Holland, I have decided to ask you something for Christmas.
As you are aware, we have not corresponded with any real frequency, since you failed to bring me the Jaguar XKE I asked you for, back in 1962. Nevertheless, since you seem to be the only one with a real understanding of the space-time continuum, owing to your ability to deliver, personally, some 5 billion+ gifts, changing costumes from country to country, I am writing to you again.
Could you please have the following things done? I am asking nothing for myself:
1. Except for Brit Hume, Please kill every TV anchor who is called "a veteran journalist." All this means is that they have been lying to themselves longer than they have been lying to America. I will understand if you cannot kill them, but, please, at least, strike them deaf and mute. America will thank you.
2. Please make Al Franken funny. This is self-explanatory.
3. Also, please give Ramsey Clark a really large, bulbous, and painful hemorrhoid. I have had one of these and it is the kind of humbling experience that every child of the 60's should have. Since Ramsey has never really evolved from the 60's it is natural that he should experience this.
4. Could you also make sure that Jimmy Carter misses just ONE plane, on his way to share his wisdom with the enemies of America?
5. While you're at it, would you please give Al Gore something to do? I've always liked Al, even though his Demo handlers made him look ridiculous during the 2000 campaign. He is a good man, basically, and deserves better than the remembrance as Clinton's bitch.
6. If you have time, help the Comedy Channel find the sign which reminds people that what John Stewart is doing satire.
7. Finally, let people realize that we are experiencing steady and healthy economic growth. Since they will have to discover this some other place than CNN or CBS or any other old guard medium, could you see to it that this news gets seen on the Game of the Week?
I await your response in hope and respect,
Dick Anderson
