July 1, 2005

        Every father who takes his duty seriously wants to instill some virtue into his children. Mothers, too, there is no doubt.

        I have one child, a son, who is a delight. He has grown into a handsome, virtuous, caring man in front of my eyes.

        Now, my son is not perfect. If I had wanted perfection, I would have had a miniature schnauzer. I have never met anyone who has thought their schnauzer was anything but perfect. If you didn't believe them, all you had to do was ask. Anyway, my son is not perfect, but he has, at least, learned what I wanted him to know. Whether he actually does them or not will depend a lot on his discernment of my attempt at wisdom.

        I hope that he will embrace the five things that I want him to.

The Big Five:

1. trust God, love mom
2. always question authority
3. honor family before state, state before country, freedom before security, righteousness before governance
4. fear is the mind-killer - let it pass through you until only you remain.
5. honesty is not honor

        Trust God, love mom: We both KNOW that God exists, that's not what this is about. I want him to Trust God. That means that my son needs to know God on an up-close-and-personal basis. It also means that he needs to understand that the Man upstairs is his friend, even when others may strive to prove this is not the case. Loving mom also seems like a slam dunk, but it implies far more than just telling mom what she wants to hear. Moms outlive dads and she's not going to really need him until I'm dead. If he really LOVES his mom, he isn't going to simper over her like some Norman Bates freak. He will make her proud, give her some grandchildren to spoil, and be there when she REALLY needs him. He will take care of her.

        Always Question Authority: Everybody lies. How big a lie they tell depends on their upbringing. If they tell you, "you look good," that's not really a lie. That's politics. If they tell you you'll have a job with them forever, that's a lie. If they tell you they have only your interest at heart, that's a lie. If they tell it's for your own good, that's usually a lie, too. You should always be like Ronald Reagan: Trust, but Verify. This is the one true virtue I know he has absorbed. I know this every time I ask him to do something around the house.

        Honor family before state, state before country, freedom before security, righteousness before governance: If your child trusts God, everything else comes second. But government cannot claim even your second allegiance. If you cannot understand the visceral difference between a political organization and a living breathing organism that a family is, then none of this will make any sense, anyway. There is an endless line of political sociopaths, and I don't want my son to be one. This is not original with me, by any means.

        Fear is the mind-killer - let it pass through you until only you remain: This, too, is not original with me. It was first espoused by Buddah, and repeated by philosophers down through the centuries. In it's recent incarnation, it is best quoted by Frank Herbert in his excellent Dune Novels. It's not just realizing that death is not the end of things and so, the worst thing is nothing at all. It is that, too, but it is much more. There are two basic emotions: Secure and fear. It is the balance between endorphins and nalaxones, the dark alley and the white picket fence. If you can master fear, you have mastered exactly 9-tenths of all emotions. Mastering "Secure," which is just as hard, is just as important, but far more infrequent, and can be mimicked by drugs.

        Honesty is not honor: At some point in a man's life, he begins to understand everything that the first four things mean. At some later time he will be tested. If he has learned the first four things, he will know what to do when the 10 year-old homicide bomber approaches the checkpoint. He will know what to do when his closest friend asks him to do something he thinks is unjust. Honor is not honesty and honesty is not honor. One should be the primary goal. The other is the deepest absolute. Notice I'm not telling you which is which.

        I once told my son during an argument that I did not want to be his friend, that I wanted to be his father, if he hated me for it, so be it, I just wanted him to do as I asked. As he grew older, he learned what I meant by those words which were the hardest things I ever said to him and really only true in extremis. Yet it was a compendium of all five things I wanted him to know. But it could not have happened if I were not ready to give it all up. I had to trust God and love what my mom taught me. I had to question the peer authority that says, be cool and your kid will be your friend (which is total garbage). I had to honor my son as my son in my family, with ME as the father - no other governance could serve. I had to work through my fear. I had to tell the truth, even though I did not believe the truth, only the honor of the situation.

        He is now both my son, of whom I am extremely proud, and my friend from whom I derive great comfort.

        Have a great Fourth of July and we'll see you all Tuesday, the fifth.