DISAPPOINTMENT IN THE MOVIE TRENCHES.

There are long faces in the halls of moviedom these days. Enormous imagined profits are just out of reach. Why aren't people going to the movies? - they whine.

This was never more obvious than now, as movie executives from all over were dismally moaning about the fact that, even though Star Wars has broken almost every record there is for a movie, it still wasn't enough to bring the industry from the brink of mediocrity - profitwise.

According to one source, Paul Dergarabedian, a Hollywood talking head said, "It's shocking. We really thought this would end the slump."

What's really shocking is that Hollywood keeps shoveling out horse patties and thinking rational people will go see them. Let's take a look at the current top ten movies showing at your local cinema and see if we can find a different rason for "then slump."

1. "Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith," 20th Century Fox, $158,449,700, not even one week. What can you say? Haven't seen it yet, but that's only because my beloved son has not come home from college, yet.

2. "Monster-In-Law," New Line, $44,174,005, two weeks. Haven't seen it, but I'm told it's stupid. I stars Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda. Neither have ever done well in a comedy.

3. "Kicking & Screaming," Universal, $34,196,720, two weeks. Only time I've ever seen Lawrence Toppman and Roger Ebert agree on a movie. They only liked it some. It was Duvall they liked.

4. "Crash," Lions Gate, $27,648,811, three weeks. This movie will do very well on DVD. There has never been a Sandra Bullock movie that was awful. The writer's name is Haggis. What's not to like? But nobody's going.

5. "Unleashed," Focus, $17,850,310, two weeks. Stars Jet Li, Morgan Freeman, & Bob Hoskins. It's OK. It's well made. It's OK. It's going to DVD as we speak. It's OK.

6. "Kingdom of Heaven," 20th Century Fox, $41,218,408, three weeks. Riddly Scott movie is brilliant, and said to be better than Gladiator. Nobody's going. Why see a movie when you get the Crusades every night on you TV screen?

7. "House of Wax," Warner Bros., $26,912,839, three weeks. More than stupid. "Twilight Zone" did it better in the '50's.

8. "The Interpreter," Universal, $65,403,045, five weeks. Tom Cruise's ex-wife is very pretty, but who wants to save the U.N.? Not me. Apparently not all of Tom Cruise's ex-girl friends are going either.

9. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," Disney, $46,902,653, four weeks. I loved it. I actually went to it. I was practically alone in the theatre. But who can blame the populace? The thing was sold totally wrong. Half the HHGTTG fans didn’t even know it was coming out! So nobody's going. Sigh.

10. "The Amityville Horror," MGM, $64,255,243, six weeks. Not bad. Fairly scary. No legs.

You have to make more than 10mill a week to get on this list and I cheated with Amityville which is really number 13.

Now ask yourself, is there a movie on this list that you'd go see? Yes? If there is, you've probably already seen it. No? Then you're like me and waiting for the DVD so you can watch it on your 42" plasma or projection screen in the privacy of your own screening room (read: family room).

We don't WANT to go to the movies. Why go to a dank theatre where EVERYBODY has blown their noses and wiped their hands on the seats? Amphitheatre seating? So what! This just gives you a better chance to hear the morons in back of you giggling about the gas they just passed. In a theatre, you can't rewind and listen again if the kid next to you burps or giggles off cue. And in a year, you can own the stupid movie for 10 bucks!

It could also be that the average Jane & Joe in the rust belt don't have as much extra money as we lucky Southerners have. Maybe. Frankly, though, most of the movies just don't move us to go

And they wonder why people aren't clamoring to see movies.

Why, indeed.

- Dick Anderson

May 25, 2005